Struggles

I have been learning so much about myself recently.  God is revealing some heart issues that I am trying to learn about and work on.  I am so grateful for His wisdom and conviction in my life.  One of the biggest things that I struggle with is second guessing myself.  I over apologize for things that I say and do....I worry about what people are thinking of me....I am fearful of making mistakes....and I lack an inner confidence that I am just plain tired of !  I think I am finally to the point that I am ready to let God do a work in me.  It sounds funny to say that I am letting God work on me when he probably wanted to do it a long time ago.  I probably could have avoided some heartache if I would have let him in on this one.  But giving up control and trusting is what must be done.  I am meditating daily on Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  This verse has really spoken to me and continues to teach me that I am so loved and that God is proud of who I am despite my flaws.  I think that accepting my flaws is quite a challenge for me.  I don't like appearing weak and I don't like making mistakes.  I think I try to protect myself so I won't get hurt in this world.  But God loves me despite all of that.  How amazing is that!  One of my eye opening experiences to all of this came about when I was doing my devotions and read Matthew 3:17.  John the Baptist had just finished with Jesus' baptism and the heavens were opened.  A voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."  I thought about that scripture a lot and realized that although these words were being spoken to Jesus, I know that God feels the same about me.  If he took the time to create me and design everything about me, then He is pleased with me.  How comforting!  I have known these truths for a long time, but I am finally accepting them and embracing them as truth.  I am finally believing that I please God, despite my sin.  I look back on my life and think about the journey that I have been on so far.  Ups and downs, hurts and failures....but without those things, God can't work.  He needs a heart that recognizes sole reliance on Him.  He needs a sinner who embraces creation.  So the next time I tell myself that I am silly for saying something or that someone might not like me because of an action....I will tell myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  The next time I go to over apologize for something, I will stop myself and remember that I am NOT in control of every moment of life.  I have to let things go and trust that God is the one in control.  It is time to make some changes in my life!

Recently we have been struggling with our oldest.  She manipulates with her behavior....she likes to get her own way...she likes to control her environment and schedule.  Gee....I wonder where she got that from?  But it has gotten to the point that she is struggling with some heart issues.  And it is up to us as parents to help her recognize truth and work through some things.  We have a new book we are reading called Give Them Grace that talks about teaching about our grace-giving God.  It challenges us to think about how we teach so much about "good behavior" instead of teaching the gospel.  This not only changes the way the kids respond, but changes the way we parent. Just tonight we had to give Mya a consequence of going to bed early because she threw a fit during school time today.  I was tired of giving her so many "chances" and decided to follow through with giving a consequence right away. We have noticed how much she can manipulate us so we decided to get more firm.  But while processing things with her tonight, it made sense to her when we talked about how she can't obey or respect us on her own.  She is powerless with that.  But when she understands how Jesus died on the cross for her sins, then she can grasp the concept of needing a Rescuer.  This is a heart issue, not a behavior issue.  I think as parents it is so hard to remember that because we feel so much when our kids let us down.  We are frustrated, angry, hurt, etc. and we just want to point out what they are doing wrong.  But it makes sense to bring it all back around to the gospel.  She told me tonight before going to sleep, "Mommy, I think that book you are reading really helped me tonight."  I sure hope so!