Thoughts

I had time to stop and think the other night, which is rare for me.  I don't like to stop and think.  I like to move, move and move some more.  I took a yoga class and there isn't any cardio involved in that.  I have been dealing with lower back pain since my first pregnancy.  With running and trying to train for races I decided I couldn't stand the dull ache anymore.  I am working with a chiropractor, but I am also trying to strengthen my core (because my husband says so) through yoga and at home exercises.  So there I was at the end of the yoga class, lying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling wondering how I was going to stay in one position for 20 minutes.  We were supposed to lay there, with our eyes closed, and focus on our breathing.  I found myself looking up at the ceiling counting how many boards of wood it took to make the ceiling.  My mind drifted, mostly thinking, "What are other people doing...do they have their eyes open...and what is the instructor doing with those essential oils?"  She was going around to each person doing something and I was dying to know what was going on.  I kept peeking to watch, but I didn't want her to see me with my eyes open.  It's kind of like when people are praying and you squint to see if anyone else has their eyes open while praying.  I finally did let myself think and rest.  The time was nearly up, but I allowed myself to be still.  And I thought...about how stillness scares me.  I thought about how when I am alone and quiet I have to think about the magnitude of my sins.  I am very hard on myself so I don't like to stop and think about my actions or what I said that day to someone that might have hurt them.  I tend to obsess about my sins.  I know...not a good thing to do.  But you know what, I was reminded in those few moments of rest at yoga, that God is so much bigger than that.  He designed me a certain way.  He forgives me for those sins.  He loves me despite those sins.  And I am one of His own.  As I lay in the fetal position to finish the yoga class, I realized that I am a child to God and I can find much comfort in His arms.  I felt His arms wrap around me in that position like I was a little baby.  It felt amazing.  I am trying to rest in that and allow myself to have quiet time without fear.

Today was a great day with the girls.  Dan and I have been struggling with their behaviors lately and feel like they are getting the best of us.  Having the third child meant that we were outnumbered and we were feeling that way....like they were ganging up on us and we were constantly putting our fires.  So today I reigned them in, took away Barbie dolls and purses and television and had them stay near me all day.  We sat down together in the morning and came up with rules for our family. Each time they showed any sign of disobedience I addressed it.  In order to do this, I was not able to spend time on the computer or telephone (although I did talk to my sister a few times because the cousins are planning a magic show....pictures to come, I am sure).  The girls had my complete attention, I focused on NOT raising my voice and praising them when they did well.  It was a very pleasant day.  I left the family in the evening to meet with my mentor and Dan said they had a beautiful night with him.  Here's hoping that tomorrow won't be quite as much work, but that we continue to monitor closely and see them respond to the structure.  Chloe is requiring more from us so she is an intense work in progress.  She is melting down with everything...basically anytime she doesn't get her own way.  It is exhausting to remain consistent with her because she is relentless.  And yet she can be so sweet and loving after nap time and in the evening.  She is very snugly and tells us she loves us on her own.  But consistency is going to be the key with her.  Steady on!

Hopefully soon we will have a new roof on our house....a black one!  I am very excited.  It is unfortunate that we have to pay for something like a roof instead of a couch, but the change in color will look amazing with the shutters.  I will certainly post pictures of the final product.