I think. That is what I do best, but sometimes I find myself over thinking. And that is not a good thing. Recently, I have been learning so much about myself. I have learned that I don't have a ton of confidence in my decision making skills. I tend to make a decision and then regret it or question it. I doubt because others have differing opinions and share them with me. There is scripture telling me that I need to work on this! ("But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:6) I have learned that I don't always listen to myself or my heart. I have learned that I don't wait on the Holy Spirit to speak to me. I have learned that I like to control things. And I have learned that understanding my wants and needs is important and healthy in my life. I have been meeting with a wonderful Godly woman recently and she challenged me to be more intentional with my "quiet" times each day. So I have decided to commit to carving out that time for me and the girls in the afternoon. I might read the Bible, pray, journal or listen to sermons online. All of this allows me to learn truth, build a stronger foundation with my faith and become reacquainted with my heart's desires.
So my latest "I've Been Thinkin....." time is about home schooling........again. I have mulled over it in my mind and discussed with Dan multiple times and am coming close to decision making time. I started to feel anxiety because I really needed to search my heart on this topic before I could make any kind of decision. I have to question what is driving me to home school. Tuition at the christian school is something to consider, but can not be the reason to home school. And I was letting that be the reason and that didn't feel right. So I had to be honest with myself and Dan about that. Dan has made it clear that money can not be any reason to make me feel like I should home school. So I am working through that one in my mind. I have anxiety about my happiness at home all day every day. Will I be content? I have to explore those options. Can I handle schooling and get all the jobs done around the house like laundry and dishes and cooking. Dan and I discussed that too and he offered to take over laundry and other things that would help me. But that is still something big to consider. It is no secret that I am Type A and like to have things structured. Will home schooling stress me out even more or will it grow and stretch me to be more laid back? That could go either way. I could continue listing my anxieties because I have had many of them. And I have explored all of them. But this past week I have had opportunities to talk to a variety of people (home schoolers and public schoolers and christian schoolers), explaining my fears and just being verbal about it all. I have given myself permission to take my time. I have realized more than anything that I must be true to myself with this decision. Yes, Dan is along to support me, but I must be okay and I must make this decision for very good and right reasons. Looking at each child's strengths and weaknesses and desires helps as I consider what next year will look like.
I am excited to school Sara. This statement might sound surprising or out of sorts, but I am going to school her with the intention of working on social skills and confidence. I am excited to not only provide the academics for her, but hand tailor her experience so she can be working on social skills often. I am going to be part of a group called Classical Conversations. Just this week I was invited to be a teacher for the younger group. I will take a 3 day practicum this summer to be trained to teach. And the girls will be in my class. So every Monday morning we will be with other home schooling kids in Mansfield. Mya is my child that I just am not sure about yet. The tough thing about doing this for the first time is that I don't know how any of us will like it. Mya is structured like me and I expect her to enjoy the academics that I can provide. But we might try an eclectic approach with her where she can attend elective classes at the christian school and still see her first grade friends.
Funny thing is.....next year at this time I will most likely look back on these decisions and realize how it was not as big of a deal as I have made it to be. But I want to be sure I have heard the Holy Spirit loud and clear.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7 states, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."
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